#ThoughtPost: Nearly a Third Party

Diary Comments (36)

I’ve been contemplating this post for more than a week. I don’t know where to start, and I don’t know how to end, just like how everything came and left in a rush. This article is NOT to blame any party of anything, for I’m jut narrating what happened and wondering out loud why it happened.

For those who have followed me through, it’s been almost three years, three years since I’ve broken up with my ex, discovering the third and fourth party during the last one month of that broken, twisted, paranoia relationship that should have ended if I’ve not stupidly held on because of my ego.

The Past. The Pain. The Lessons.

I am thankful (now, not back then) for the things that happened. Because he (my ex) shaped who I am now. I wouldn’t have the courage to pursue the hidden interests and passion I didn’t know I had. I was glad he left, and I was glad I let go. It wasn’t an easy journey though. When I went on dates, all I could talk about was the hurt and pain I had. I was concentrating on the pain and not on the open doors I had. I didn’t want to look elsewhere.

I pile myself with work. I do acting, I tutor kids, I coach primary school students speech and drama. During my “free time”, I blog. Basically, I had keep myself occupied, filling up the gap which used to be for him. Over time, I learn to love myself a bit more, to concentrate on what I wish to achieve. Fortunately, I didn’t have the urge to go on shopoholic sprees like some of my friends.

The Healing.

Slowly I healed. I no longer feel sour and frustrated seeing lovey-dovey posts and statuses from my attached friends. I felt liberated being single, to take up roles without having to think for your partner. I can fly off anywhere without feeling guilty that I’m leaving him alone in Singapore. I start to appreciate the friends whom put effort to keep in contact, even if it’s just for a meal. It was actually fun being single and busy.

Juliana Bobby WeddingI slowly restore my faith in love, especially after witnessing the touching surprise proposal in 2013 from Bobby to my blogger friend, Juliana. 2014 was exciting, getting involved in the wedding preparation with her, being the maid-of-honour, the emcee and part of her surprise dance crew. Thanks to them, I understand the meaning of true love. By then, I was all ready, looking forward to the Right guy to come along.

The Him.

I got to know many guys, be it from mutual friends, reconnecting with past schoolmates or colleagues, from blogging or from online. I was friendly but wary. There were a handful with ulterior motives, which somehow, I was able to pick up right from the start. Not many was able to hold a decent intellectual conversation. But there wasn’t any harm making friends. 🙂

thirdparty1Then, he appeared (About One Month Ago). I will call him D.H. for the sake of this article. He was charming, and relatively straight-forward, and hey, he’s one of the few that I enjoy conversing with. Well, at least I didn’t feel that he was trying too hard right from the start. I won’t say he’s the most good-looking guy (Yes, just in case he chanced upon this and think too much of himself :P) but definitely an eligible “bachelor”. What’s more, he said he had been single for a year. (Not exactly a rebound then)

For someone who doesn’t do the “love-at-first-sight” thing often, excluding Mario Maurer and Zac Efron (Jimmy Lin’s married – so not counted), he’s definitely a “like-at-first-sight”. And for someone who doesn’t give her personal contact to online friends that easily, he was one of the first few (during that period of time). He felt, almost like a soulmate, to me.

 photo charmed cole turner.gifWell, if I have to use TV characters to describe, the feeling was like the initial attraction between Phoebe Halliwell and Cole Turner (Charmed, Season 3 Episode 7)- scaled down by maybe 50%. D.H. was mysterious, yet real. Things felt wrong, but yet it was right.

Nearly The Third Party

After one year of being a paranoia girlfriend, this sixth feeling kicked in almost automatically, about a week after knowing one another. Actually, if I list out the things he did, even an idiot would know something was amiss. Twice, TWICE he missed the dates and left me waiting for hours. No answering of messages, no answering of calls. Just missing – That’s the Cole Turner stunt, dude. He’s a half-demon, are you? (He’s not THAT good afterall.)

And even before I had sufficient information to do any detective work, he popped up in my “Suggested Friend” list, with no mutual friends (God send?). One lead to another, and I found the facebook account of the girl in his display photo.

thirdparty5They’ve JUST celebrated their anniversary few days before we know each other. I thought I’ve seen the wrong date. I even thought it was a 2013 public post and nothing was updated since. I double checked, triple checked. My eyes were alright, I didn’t see anything wrong. Then I see his birthday celebration photos. So he’s attached? Why did he say he’s single then? My mood went straight down, and this was like Déjà vu (The tables were turned around this time, so did I just become the third party?).

I almost had a panic attack. Things start to link up. Was that why he didn’t dare to answer the messages and calls? Because the girlfriend was just beside? It was a long night for me.

thirdparty4I confront him, and he did not reply me till 12 hours later, he said I’ve jumped into conclusion, and that he was “technically” single. This got me confused. He asked for a chance to explain face to face. I got even more confused. So was he lying?

I am not a novice when it comes to liar-spotting. I have seen a good number of guys who lied to me about their relationship statuses only to have them admitting upon meeting. I was able to turn my back on them without even batting an eyelid. I was able to tell them to remain just as friends and nothing more. But for D.H., I was almost heartbroken.

thirdparty6When I finally met him, he admitted that the girl was his ex and that they ended on an ambiguous note. He said he was letting the status remain that way so that their friends wouldn’t question anything. He was planning to end things properly after the New Year. (Oh really?) He assured that I’m not coming between them. He didn’t want to remain in the friend-zone. I believed him. Almost.

thirdparty7I’ve met my match. I almost believed this “Cole Turner“.

thirdparty3But I realised that he even lied to say that he received a present from his parents, when I saw that it was actually from his girlfriend. I can’t help but imagine how the girlfriend will feel if she knew what was said. I knew, but I didn’t expose him.

We were supposed to meet again the next day, but something told me history would repeat itself. I was right, he said that the date had to be cancelled. And I told him we would just remain as friends.

Love? Not.

The next few days, in fact, weeks, was almost dreadful. While I was able to distract myself with tutoring, blogging and acting when recovering from my breakup 3 years ago, I could get nothing done this time. I couldn’t bring myself to write anything, not even a movie review for almost 3 weeks, now. (Sorry to the clients who had been waiting VERY patiently for my articles)

I looked alright on the surface, but I felt like a zombie inside. I distract myself by going out with friends, but once alone, I’m back to square one.

“You really love that guy huh?” This was a message a guy friend sent me after reading my facebook status. Was it love?

No, I was almost sure it wasn’t. We didn’t have that much time together (less than one month?) to develop into love. But why? Why was I not able to let go of this twisted relationship? Why was he able to affect my emotions, crush the foundation and confidence I built in the past three years, something my ex (we had a 4-5 years relationship) took long to break, and he did that in in less than a few weeks?

Karmic Relationship?

A friend shared posts about karmic relationships and karma ties, which I thought was pretty interesting. I did not have any of the suggested characteristics (thank god!) but it got me intrigued by the “intensity” of the karma. Does it mean that D.H. and I were linked somehow in the past? This might sound ridiculous to people who doesn’t believe in reincarnation and past lives. But it is definitely something that got me thinking.

I’m not going to talk about this here as it will be so out-of-point, but this is definitely a learning lesson for me… despite me not wanting to be the third party because I know how much it hurts to be betrayed by the one you love, somehow, I ended up as one.

A Note to Whom It May Concern

To D.H.: If I’m Taylor Swift, this story will most probably be the next song in her album. Too bad, so this can only and will only remain as a blogpost :P.
Remember you telling me how you wonder what it is like to be very affected by someone else? I didn’t answer you back then, but here, I will tell you it felt terrible. Please, don’t lie to other girls out there anymore.
And you asked why was I so affected by you? I didn’t reply then, and my answer is still, I don’t know. You asked if why it was reducing. Now you have the above answer.
You told me you were good at reading people, and I told you I am good at that too. I knew about a lot of things, and tried to give you the benefit of doubt, because I hope I was wrong about you. I never thought that any guy can affect me as much, if not, more than my ex, but you’ve proven it’s possible. Thanks for letting me know that, it is possible to lovelike again. 🙂 Because of that, I’m glad you turn up in my life.
To the attached couples: Why are you fooling around with someone else when you are attached to someone else? If you are not happy in the relationship, get out of it properly before committing into another one. It is not fair to your partner (be it male or female) nor is it fair to the other unknowing party!
To the third-parties or third-parties-to-be: If you know about the guy/girl’s relationship status before hand, why get involved in their relationship? Yes, he/she may come to you right now, but have you ever thought, 1-2 years down the road, you will start thinking if your partner is doing the EXACT same thing, hooking up with another person behind your back? That kind of paranoia will eat you up and turn you into almost nothing.
To the singles: Someone told me I shouldn’t ever say that “It’s OK to be single”, using the law of attraction, we should say that “I’m getting ready for the Right one out there.” This is definitely not easy to change (at least for me) after having the “OK-To-Be-Single” mentality for so long.


Just before publishing this post (Yes, on my birthday, gosh!), I chanced upon Facebook messages sent to me from DH’s alleged girlfriend (now verified!), and those messages were sent around the time I was still in contact with him.
thirdparty2Dear girl, I wished I had seen this earlier, if not at that moment when you sent this message. I would be able to confront him then with the messages. I know the desperation you must have felt back then, because I was once “the girlfriend” too. Not sure if this will make you feel any better, but I’m no longer in contact with D.H., and really, my initial thought was to remain as friends with him.

I contemplated once, whether to tell you or not, but my friends advised me against it, as it was never my relationship to meddle with. But now that I know that you knew about these, I’m glad, as it means you are very aware of what’s happening. All the best to you. 🙂

P.S. I wasn’t planning to post any of our personal conversation, but this changed when I saw her messages. D.H.’s girlfriend, I really really really didn’t want nor hope to come in between both of you. For those who are wondering why am I masking their identities, I’m just sharing my personal feelings and thoughts here, and both DH & his girlfriend have the right to keep their identities private.

P.P.S I used the word “almost” here many times. It was because the “relationship or friendship” was so short but the feeling was so much more intense comparatively, that I couldn’t really find a suitable word to describe it. Almost, but not there. 

Happy Birthday To Me. :/

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» Diary » #ThoughtPost: Nearly a Third Party
On January 9, 2015

36 Responses to #ThoughtPost: Nearly a Third Party

  1. seeyouu says:

    You’re welcome.
    This book is interesting indeed. It also bring me better understanding on Buddhism

  2. seeyouu says:

    have you ever heard about this book? http://www.thompsonlaw.ca/pdf_folder/diamond.pdf
    I think this may help you.

  3. Lost Voyage says:

    Same thing happened but not exactly the same.

  4. Huang Zhenyang Jayson says:

    Hi, really glad you got yourself out of the situation. Keep up the faith in love. I was reading your article and saw the part where you mentioned Phoebe Halliwell! Gave me some nostalgia since I watched Charmed too haha. My favourite character in Charmed is Piper Halliwell, the sister who can freeze time. Nice meeting a fellow Charmed fan!

  5. lonelyreload says:

    My first visits here, cheer up~

  6. […] not exactly in this category (Gotten over my ex), but I am still recovering from the hurt from D.H.. I love the advice given by Louis Koo in the film. Learning how to “cut losses” like […]

  7. mgavan says:

    This is my first time in your blog and I don’t know why out of all of your posts, this is the one that I read, It may be hard to believe but I know how you feel, because the story may differ a little, but this happened to me too; being led on by a guy who has a girlfriend, whom he likes to refer to as his “ex” but they’re still seeing each other the whole time he was trying to date me. It was also a quick thing, maybe 2 or 3 months if I remember it correctly, but the feelings I had for him was real. I am sorry that you had to go through this, no girl deserves to be treated this way. I just wish all the jerks out there would feel exactly the pain that they put us through. I wish all the best for you and none for that DH guy. He’s an abusive person, be thankful that you got out before you got in too deep.

    • Thanks babe for reading and commenting. Yes, DH said she was the ex too… Know what, reading what you’ve been through, which is very similar to mine, made me heart aches. Because I totally understand what you felt. I’m not sure how long it took you to get out of it, but it’s taking me too long for my liking 🙁

  8. Eliz Frank says:

    Oh dear! I feel your pain girl. Please hug yourself and know that this is his problem to solve… It is terrible when we connect with people who lie to us and cheat on their partners. Sending you healing hugs and good cheer.

  9. Marie says:

    Geez! It’s a lot to take in. :/
    But all I can say is, I agree with this statement: “It was actually fun being single and busy.”

  10. 3xhcch says:

    Not all guys are like this guy DH. You will still meet your ideal guy one of these days. Have a blessed birthday. – Fred

  11. Louise says:

    I’ve gone through this experience before too and I know exactly how you feel. I found out my ex-boyfriend was cheating on me just a few hours after my major operation. It was very dreadful! I didn’t know how to cure the pain because it was really painful to a point like I almost felt numb.

    I don’t understand why girls automatically confront the other girl instead of the guy. It’s not as if almost every girl knows your dating who. And most guys lie that they have a girlfriend so it should be the guy who needs to be confronted.

    It’s a blessing in disguise that you’ve learned this earlier before things get more serious between the both of you.

  12. Sunshine Kelly says:

    Life is a journey and along the way you might hit some bumps. Do not give up, take it as part of the life experiences. I am sure you are better off knowing his true color earlier than later. I wish you all the best and may you find your true love one day.

  13. phyliciamarie says:

    That one month must have been intense, to be affected that greatly. I think it had to do with how great you were with him conversation wise. You get to be attached so much because you haven’t met such a person in a long time.

  14. Elana Khong says:

    Feels so bad for you. Anyway, lucky that you discovered it fast before you are hurt more deeply.

  15. R U S S says:

    I share your pain, frustration, anxieties, and all sorts of feelings in between. I’ve been in a similar situation. It was just a little tricky with my former guy ( we were together for 10 years ) – imagine that! It was tricky because he was never this social media person, although I don’t buy that crap. He isn’t on Facebook, but he is on Twitter and that’s where I caught him sorta. That’s where I found out who the girl is and worse, she even had the guts to cyber-bully me.

    I will never understand why guys ( and sometimes ladies ) do such things especially when they’re in a serious relationship. I will never understand why they’d always look for something or someone else when they’re supposed to be happy with what they have. OR at least have the decency to break it off first.

    You’re a great person and you have such a good heart. Continue to do what is right and in His perfect time, the right person will find you at the right time. I wish you all the best, stay pretty and never stoop down to their level.

    • Oh my goodness, 10 years. I can bet the pain was bad. Gosh…
      I hope you’ve actually healed over time. It sucks but thanks for sharing with me your story!
      I can’t understand that either 🙁

  16. Vanessa says:

    To tell you the truth, I am not surprised. I have always thought men can’t stay monogamous and your story once again proves my statement. Most men just like to have the attention of a few women focused on them at the same time, that makes them feel precious and a kind of big deal. Get a grip and keep walking. Happy birthday!

    • Thanks Vanessa. I’m not surprised either, but I was disappointed. Well, some girls couldn’t stay faithful either, so I think it’s more the individual’s character and personality that defines the person rather than the gender.
      Thanks for your advice!

  17. Sim @ Sims Life says:

    Oh chick 🙁 I am so sorry… I have been in that position several times and even now still cannot offer any advice! Men that do that are absolute shites and I have kept every photo and messages sent with the view to posting about it all – maybe later in the year, the time isn’t right now but it will certainly make me feel a damn site better!
    I have no idea why they do it, when they are already in relationships or even married. It beggars belief that they believe they will never be found out – look how easy it is to find someone on Facebook!
    Keep your chin up, give yourself a great big cuddle, dust yourself off, plant a huge smile on your face and get out there, continuing to be you… you are awesome and the right bloke will find you at the right time, very soon!! Sim xx

  18. Katrina Centeno says:

    Too many third parties. I am getting confused! Hope you find the one that is meant for you. Btw, happy birthday!

  19. Fernando Ceballos Lachica says:

    I read your love story like a novel that I used to write but normally, life and love are just two things that revolve to all human beings. Likewise, we have different problems to tackle according to our understanding of being one.

  20. Angelo The Explorer says:

    Oh my! It’s tough ey! And it happens to all! Sometimes we need to take it from there and learn from it. It’s tough and I want you to be strong!

  21. Amie says:

    There are a lot of grey areas that people have to maneuver through due to partial truths (well, lies) that people say and some people can’t even get it clear what they are feeling, hence the messiness.

  22. May De Jesus-Palacpac says:

    Relationships are complicated as they are, we have no need to make it even more complicated than it already is. I’m sorry for the heartaches, but you seem to be a strong woman with a good head, you’ll get past this, move forward and find the worthy one. 🙂

  23. fatemah sajwani says:

    hey dear life is too short to get into weird relationship, I suggest you take some told and think over it. best of luck and may god bless you at all times.
    love you.

  24. Beth - Musing Housewife says:

    Oh Tiffany, what a rat he was!!! As much as you are back to square one and single… you are so much better than he is! ((HUGS))

  25. Sumi Go | The Purple Doll says:

    I can’t find the right words to say after reading what you had just gone through, but I hope you recover from all this soon. I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve found yourself in that situation, but at the same time, I’m glad that you got out of whatever-you-call-the-relationship sooner.

    And while this post may not be the best place for this, I sincerely greet you a Happy Birthday! 🙂

  26. Jodi Stevens says:

    YIKES! I don’t even really know what to say. Good luck though, this can be a tough situation.

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